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Internet Explorations: Juggalo Faith
Once whilst drinking a beer on a random lawn at a random house in Salt Lake City, I was talking with King Kahn of King Khan and the Shrines. “I think we are on the same tour schedule as Insane Clown Posse because every city we visit, we see crowds of Juggalos walking the street.”
“Wait,” I replied. “Insane Clown Posse? They’re still around? You’ve got to be sh*ttin’ me!” King Kahn was not sh*ttin’ me. Despite the fact that up until this moment I had thought that Insane Clown Posse had disappeared with other ’90′s popular cultural artifacts, like the macarena, the UPN network and rumors of Lance Bass’s heterosexuality, they are, in fact, still a thing. And they have gigantic, massive following of devotees–fanatics, if you will, or even zealots. God help us all.
And speaking of God. You know who else has a gigantic, following of zealots? Jesus Christ.
Which brings us to this baffling website: Juggalo Faith
Where to begin, for there is so much that is oh so very confusing going on with this website. Setting aside the fact that Insane Clown Posse, or ICP as they are known to those in the know, has managed to sustain a devoted following for over 20 years despite the fact that they suck, what’s really causing me to say “what the hell?” repeatedly is the assertion that ICP is actually doing God’s work through their lyrics.
I’ll wait for you to digest that one. Here’s a picture to help you on your way to reconciling that paradox.
One of these things is not like the other, One of these things just doesn't belong
Couldn’t do it, could you? That’s because it makes no freakin’ sense. It is like being told that the Head of the Hickory Farms Bacon Division is a Hassidic Jew. If you were a robot, your systems would be overloading right now, sparks would be flying out of your eye-sockets, your mother-board melting as you tried to compute the unbelievable assertion that ICP are actually on some kind of apostolic mission for Jesus.
Normally, the only time I associate Jesus with clowns is when I’m praying to Him to save me from the psycho-killer clown stalking me and my friends through the abandoned carnival, which has happened in my life more times than I count.
Also, can somebody explain to me the appeal of Insane Clown Posse? Like, why? No, really, why?
And what the heck are these Joker Cards? Are they actual cards? Are they metaphors? Are they albums?
Do I really want to know?
Maybe this is all some kind of elaborate hipster joke, like how L. Ron Hubbard turned his science fiction stories into a religion . . . Oh my god, I just had the most horrible thought: what if Juggalo Faith is the new Scientology?
I’m a little bit freaked out right now, but that’s what clowns will do to you.